Fear at Game Time

"Imagine that you're a team coach and you're giving your emotions a pep talk before the game. 'So how's everyone feeling about the game?' you shout.

Enthusiasm shouts back, 'I am stoked! Can't wait to get on the field!' and pumps the air with his fists, smiling, looking to everyone to smile. Anxiety is pacing in the back of the room, in his own world, and looks up briefly to say, 'I am so scared I could puke,' and keeps on pacing. Abandonment Issues says, 'Look, if we don't score in the first quarter, we should take the ball and go home-- end it before they do, you know. But, hey, I'm in!' As the coach, you're nodding, listening to each player intently, and assessing which players to put in the lead for your best chances of victory.

Fear stands up. 'Are y'all crazy? If I lose this game, I'll never play in this town again.' And then Fear starts picking on the other players. 'Enthusiasm, it just ain't natural to be that happy; you gotta get real. And anxiety! Shit, if you get on the field and have a freeze attack, we all go down.'

Finally you step in, 'All right, McFearstein, we appreciate your point of view, and you've got some good points. Now let's listen to the others.' Just like all of your emotions, Fear just wants to be seen and heard.

Confidence (who is also the team captain) says, 'I'm feeling steady. If we stay focused, this win is ours. And when we win, the offers will start pouring in.' Insecurity says, 'If you want me on the bench, I, I understand, Coach.' Well, if that's where you want to be, then that's where you'll be, you think to yourself.

Pragmatic shrugs and nods at the same time: 'Odds are stacked in our favor. Anything could happen.' Love raises her hand, 'Listen you're all fucking amazing! And I believe in every single one of you!' Woot.

Time to drop some truth bombs Coach. Time to lead, not accommodate. You can't let Fear steal more air time. And Anxiety is hanging out on the edge distracting everyone. Here's how it's got to go down: 'I echo what Love said. You're all amazing. We're contenders. Enthusiasm, you're in front; Confidence and Pragmatic have got your back. Abandonment Issues, your job is to trust your instincts. You will know when it's right to pass the ball-- we trust you. Anxiety, you're alert, and we need that on the team. You need to stay close to Confidence. The important thing to do is just stay in the game-- keep playing.

'Fear, thanks for looking out for us. Yep, we could fail, it's possible. This is risky. But we'll come out on top no matter what, because that's who we are. You've done your job, and now you'll be playing from the bench.'

When you can see fear as just an emotion that's hanging out with all of your other emotions, you gain some clearer perspective. It's not superior, and it's not even inferior. It's just an emotion that you can choose to focus on or not."

This is an excerpt from Danielle LaPorte's Fire Starter Sessions. It's one of the best things I've read about dealing with fear. Plus I was cracking up as I read it. Good information, inspiration, and humor. Can't beat that.

Practice makes progress

Through my dabbling in Buddhism a great love of the idea of practices and practicing emerged.

When I was first exposed to the idea of mind training as a “practice,” I was really opposed to it. It was a visceral reaction and when I explored it further, I realized that my aversion was stemming from an idea that the actions and behaviors that have become habitual for me were “natural.” I thought that practicing a different way of being, thinking, and behaving was going against what was “naturally Mary”.

Then I had to ask myself whether I loved all of my thoughts and behaviors and thought they were effective to achieve the ends I was seeking. You can probably guess what the answer was.

I decided to give some of the Buddhist practices a try. One simple, but nevertheless difficult to execute, practice was to not kill anything. I’m not a natural born killer by any means, but I was in the see-a-bug-and-stomp-on-it camp for a while. And, what’s worse, I did it totally unthinkingly. Especially if it was a spider. Get the shoe. You know what I mean?

But then I became one of those people who does spider and bug relocation. I don’t love spiders so it took some self-control to remain calm at first. I had to practice reacting in a new way. Now it’s second nature.

Relative to some other practices we can adopt, spider relocation is easy. Try practicing non-judgment or flipping negative thoughts in an effort to shift your perspective. Try practicing kindness.

Really. Try it. Since it’s a practice it is also:

a) experimental, b) set for a finite time, and c) allows for you to screw up over and over again. After all, you’re just practicing.

So you could feasible attempt to practice kindness for the next hour and never get it “right”, and still feel like you accomplished something. That something is awareness. Which is sort of like the Buddhist “get out of jail free” card. (I kid.)

It’s helpful if our practices are specific. So it would be even more feasible to practice smiling and maintaining eye contact in every interaction you have with a co-worker, family member or store cashier for the next hour.

It’s also helpful if our practices are framed as “do’s” instead of “don’ts” or “won’ts.” Because you can’t do a “don’t.”* If you say I won’t be mean, but you’re accustomed to being mean, what will you do instead? If it’s not already your established habit, you’ll reach for something in a good-faith effort to practice your practice, but you may not find anything if you didn’t establish possibilities for new behaviors when you set your intention. Thus, the suggestion to offer a smile and maintain eye contact, rather than saying, “don’t be such a jerk to cashiers, Mary!”

What are you (inspired to begin) practicing?

*Hat tip to Marshall Rosenburg for this idea.

Photo Credit: Bill Hails

Bob Dylan can't sing or play guitar.

"Sing in your own voice. Picasso was a terrible colorist. Turner couldn’t paint human beings worth a damn. Saul Steinberg’s formal drafting skills were appalling. T.S. Eliot had a full-time day job. Henry Miller was a wildly uneven writer. Bob Dylan can’t sing or play guitar.

But that didn’t stop them, right?

So I guess the next question is, “Why not?”

I have no idea. Why should it? No one person can be good at everything. The really good artists, the really successful entrepreneurs, figure out how to circumvent their limitations, figure out how to turn their weaknesses into strengths. The fact that Turner couldn’t draw human beings very well left him no choice but to improve his landscape paintings, which have no equal.

Had Bob Dylan been more of a technical virtuoso, he might not have felt the need to give his song lyrics such power and resonance.

Don’t make excuses. Just shut the hell up and get on with it. Time waits for no one."

Hugh MacLeod 

From Ignore Everyone: and 39 Other Keys to Creativity which I would recommend for anyone who is or wants to be creative...or who is breathing. 

Photo Credit: brizzle born and bred

Rearview Mirror Syndrome

“…(Marshall McLuhan) contends that most of us are incapable of understanding the impact of new media because we are like drivers whose gaze is fixed not on where we are going but on where we came from. It is not even a matter of seeing through the windshield but darkly. We are seeing clearly enough, but we are looking in the rearview mirror.”*

The usefulness and insight of this metaphor extends well beyond new media.

It is one of the ways we get stuck on the path to a more deliberate and happier life. We see ourselves and our corner of the world through the rearview mirror.

Looking through the rearview mirror, we see or create continuity in our lives, firming up a dynamic self often in ways that do not serve us. When we keep looking backward, it is easy to get stuck in who we’ve been, what we’ve done, and what we’ve had. We start to think this is who we are, what we’re capable of and what we deserve. Period.

What about looking forward through the windshield and imagining new possibilities for ourselves and our lives, challenging ourselves to be, do or have more than we have been, done or had in the past? Even in the absence of “evidence” from our lived experience that this is possible.  Though I assure you, if you go looking for it, you’ll find some “evidence” in your past to help support the future person you’d like to be. Evidence is often found in anything that disrupts the continuity of the story of who you are. I want to be X but I’m not a risk-taker. But there was that one time…

This is what I mean by human potential. We can’t see what we’re capable of or imagine a bigger, bolder, happier (insert your dream “-er” here) life for ourselves by looking backwards.

And we limit ourselves, too, when we look to past models about how to live and mistake them for the only options. When we overlay past models onto our paths we take a personal, winding road and turning it into a superhighway. A pre-mapped venture rather than the organic, wild adventure that will occur when we’re looking through the windshield and keep moving forward, no matter how far we can see or how clear the view.

* Marshall McLuhan’s “Rearview Mirror Syndrome” metaphor as described by Neil Postman in Teaching as a Subversive Activity (also in the running for one of my favorite books of all time).

Photo is from my personal vault.

Showing up.

Perhaps as a symptom of my perfectionism (which I didn’t know I had until I read Brene Brown's Daring Greatly), I thought I had to, or at the very least could, fix transform my habits and traits before I went out and interacted with the dynamic world as a me I was really happy with.

But the past four years of adventuring and consistently disturbing the bounds of my comfort zone revealed a different strategy to me.

I’ve stepped into dynamic situations which called upon certain traits in me, at whatever level of development—highly polished to seriously scraggly—and revealed an even greater capacity— to be flexible, kind, strong— than I thought I had.

I’ve started to see myself as less fixed and more dynamic. Traits were called up like numbers in a Bingo game and, much to my surprise, they responded.

For example, imagine: You are alone, it’s dark and your hotel room is ½  a mile away. The only way to get there is on a dirt path through the woods by foot (no motorized transport on this island). Oh, and you’re freaked.out.scared. That was a situation I created for myself by meeting a friend for a piña colada at a restaurant half way in between where each of us was staying on Little Corn Island in Nicaragua.

Courage was called up like B7 and I was like BINGO. Yes I felt fear and for a moment it felt all encompassing, but then courage arose. Right on cue.

After the situation was over and I was safe, I got to add to my courage bank. The accumulation of these kinds of experiences (where courage or any other given quality is called upon) helps me to think of myself as more courageous.

I don’t have to will myself to be something I feel I’m not; I just show up to my life willingly, see what it asks of me, and notice what rises up in response. 

To enhance this process, I’ve been working on noticing when I have a fixed view of myself which isn’t serving me: Mary is like this, therefore she doesn’t/won’t/can’t do that. Then I actively call up exceptions in my mind. We can usually think of at least one exception which means we have some currency in the bank of the traits we want to build on.

p.s. On Little Corn Island I ran the whole way back, figuring any crazy animals or persons hiding in the woods would think I was even crazier. I highly recommend this technique for women feeling scared in foreign countries. I should also say that Little Corn is very safe because the economy is entirely dependent on tourism. My fear, like my courage, was self-created.

Photo credit: bridges&balloons

Your purpose.

“Your purpose isn’t a perishable event subject to obsolescence. It is situation-free. It endures into eternity. Vision and mission are subject to change. Your purpose is permanent and ever aspiring to inform your new challenges and circumstances. Continual personal learning is the cornerstone to remaining a viable On-Purpose Person. Expect the expression of your purpose to change and mature over time; but the essence of your purpose remains unalterable.”

Kevin W. McCarthy
The On-Purpose Person: Making Your Life Make Sense, a book I highly recommend for folks who are wondering what's my purpose?

Photo Credit: dandeluca 

Super hero mind powers. Or, What's the best that could happen?

“What’s the worst that could happen?”

Sometimes we ask folks this in an attempt to help them see that some situation won’t be that bad. What’s the worst that could happen? You’re not going to die.

The problem with this question, is that we start thinking about the worst that could happen. All our mental energy goes to creating a list (no matter how outrageous) of terrifying possibilities. And we make it easy for ourselves to get stuck right here.

I could die. I probably won’t but I could. Or I might embarrass myself and just want to die. I could lose my job, not be able to provide for my family and…yada yada yada.

I’ve gotta give it to us, we are skilled in the art of possibility creation.

Some folks call this imagination. It’s one of our super-hero mind powers.

And taking a cue from all the good super heroes, we ought to use it for good, not evil. Use your super-hero mind power to fight the crime in your mind.

Ok, so it’s not a crime to think up terrifying possibilities, but it is a darn shame given that we can use the same incredible power to think up exciting, motivating, and inspiring possibilities.

Instead ask, “What’s the best that could happen?” 

Photo Credit: >Rooners

The Connection Manifesto.

This is the first post in a series designed to bridge the gap between ideas and action. I love the world of ideas, but the fact remains that lack of information is not the problem in our culture. There's plenty of good information, readily available. We have an action problem.

These practices and exercises will ask you to do something if you feel compelled. (Often we do feel compelled to try things out, but we stop ourselves and excuses ourselves. Not everything I post will call to you, but when one does, go!)

The first exercise asks us to examine how we want to be in our relationships and interactions. We spend a lot of time in our culture thinking of how we are (as if our identities are fixed) or how we were (in the past). We spend less time pondering how we'd like to be. In the ideal.

Living deliberately (which I wrote about here), with integrity, means we have to know what we stand for and the kind of person we want to be.

This exercise, from The Buddha's Brain by Rick Hanson and Richard Mendius, guides us in this endeavor:

 

"Now write your personal code of unilateral relationship virtues. This could be a handful of words. Or more extensive dos and don’ts. Whatever its form, aim for language that is powerful and motivating, that makes sense to your heard and touches your heart. It doesn’t have to be perfect to be useful, and you can always revise it later."

"Personal code of unilateral relationship virtures" sounds a little, ummm, stiff to me. So I call my list The Connection Manifesto. (I like manifestos, maybe you've noticed?) Here it is:

Keep empathy at the forefront my awareness.

Listen attentively.

Whenever possible, leave it (mood, energy level/quality, level of inspiration) better than you found it.

At the very least: Do no harm

If you fail to meet this guideline, reach out later and make a repair.

Speak honestly to support living with integrity.

Remember: Human beings are complex creatures. Everyone is acting and speaking in an attempt to meet their needs. You don't have to understand why people do what they do to be kind. When people are rude, mean, or snarky, it's not about you, it's about them. 

I'm learning to apply the same rules in my interactions with myself as I stumble along trying again and again to put this into action. I aim to review my manifesto as often as possible (at least once per day) to help keep the guidelines in my awareness. As the guidelines are more and more in my awareness, so is my awareness of every violation. But, like I said, human beings are complex; I am not exempt. And I don't even have to understand my own self to be kind to myself as I practice.

Photo Credit: Leo Reynolds

Take it away Rilke!

For the next 10 days, I'll be at a Vipassana Meditation retreat. I will be meditating silently and surely encountering limits I've never know I had as I explore my mind. This is part of my goal to do one thing every month in 2013 that challenges me and allows me to point to my comfort zone from well outside of it. There you are comfort zone.

I have some posts lined up for while I'm away since I'll also be away from the interwebs. 
Stay tuned.


Today I thought I'd let Ranier Maria Rilke do the talking. These excerpts are from Letters to a Young Poet which is in the running for my favorite book of all time.

"But the fear of the inexplicable has not only impoverished the reality of the individual; it has also narrowed the relationship between one human being and another, which has as it were been lifted out of the riverbed of infinite possibilities and set down in a fallow place on the bank, where nothing happens. For it is not only indolence that causes human relationships to be repeated from case to case with such unspeakable monotony and boredom; it is timidity before any new, inconceivable experience, which we don’t think we can deal with. But only someone who is ready for everything, who doesn’t exclude any experience, even the more incomprehensible, will live the relationship with another person as something alive and will himself sound the depths."

"For if we imagine this being of the individual as a larger or smaller room, it is obvious that most people come to know only one corner of their room, one spot near the window, one narrow strip on which they keep walking back and fourth. In this way they have a certain security. And yet how much more human is the dangerous insecurity the drives those prisoners in Poe’s stories to feel out the shapes of their horrible dungeons and not be strangers to the unspeakable terror of their cells. We, however, are not prisoners. No traps or snares have been set around us, and there is nothing that should frighten or upset us. We have been put into life as into the element we most accord with, and we have, moreover, through thousands of years of adaptation, come to resemble this life so greatly that when we hold still, through a fortunate mimicry we can hardly be differentiated from everything around us. We have no reason to harbor any mistrust against our world, for it is not against us."
 

The other 99%

This time last year I was reading Tim Ferriss' book The 4-Hour Workweek. I've already quoted Seth Godin and Shakti Gawain on this blog so far and all three of these folks are found in very different aisles at the bookstore. I'm continually fascinated by the convergence of ideas across fields. It's really a great reminder to keep an open mind and read widely.

Tim has a ton of inspiring and motivating things to say. Today I wanted to share these treasures:

 "Uncertainty and the prospect of failure can be very scary noises in the shadows. Most people will choose unhappiness over uncertainty."

And yet...

"It's lonely at the top. 99% of people in the world are convinced they are incapable of achieving great things. So they aim for the mediocre. The level of competition is thus fiercest for 'realistic' goals, paradoxically make them the most time- and energy-consuming..."

Photo Credit: roujo

How to get unstuck.

"Don't wait for the right answer and the golden path to present themselves.

This is precisely why you're stuck. Starting without seeing the end is difficult, so we often wait until we see the end, scanning relentlessly for the right way, the best way and the perfect way.

The way to get unstuck is to start down the wrong path, right now.

Step by step, page by page, interaction by interaction. As you start moving, you can't help but improve, can't help but incrementally find yourself getting back toward your north star.

You might not end up with perfect, but it's significantly more valuable than being stuck.

Don't just start. Continue. Ship. Repeat."

From Seth Godin's blog

He's part of my team of supporters in my effort to Go!

Gotta do it.

What if you showed up to your life as if by threat of firing or, better yet, by promise of promotion, success, fame, etc.?

Maybe you’re thinking, “Well, Mary, sorry to disappoint you but I don’t really take my work that seriously.” I feel ya. I’d also be willing to guess, though, that you show up the vast majority of days that you’re scheduled to do so (and you probably have a schedule) and when you can’t show up, you call in or get your shift/work covered for that time period. I imagine you think some about your work outside of your work hours and do some “planning” even if that just translates to picking out your outfit for the day or packing you lunch.

You probably don’t even realize the many things you do that are part of taking your work seriously….even if you hate your job.

And that’s what I’m asking you to do with your passions, with those things that you “wish you had more time for” or that you “really want to do but (insert excuse here).” We don’t often find ourselves making excuses for why we can’t go to work today. And it feels justified because that’s our livelihood. That’s how we pay the bills. Nevertheless, that feeling of obligation, of “just gotta do it” is something that we self-impose (which is, no doubt, buttressed by a host of outside influences). We made it up harnessing the power of our minds. And, congratulations on that one, because it’s powerful.

We can use this ability we've created in our minds, the "gotta do it" attitude and the actions and behaviors springing from it, and use it in ways that serve us by transferring it to the work or projects that you feel drawn to and inspired by (talents, passion, purposed-based projects). If this feels overwhelming, do a micromovment. Commit yourself to experimenting with this for, say, 10 minutes a day for a whole week. To keep going beyond this, notice how this "pays off" in terms of your mood or level of energy or inspiration. (Here's why.) Depending on what your passion is, it might also pay off monetarily (e.g. selling handmade wares on Etsy).

What project do you gotta work on this week?

That's what I want.

Where do you see yourself in one-year? Five-years? Thirty years? We are encouraged to think about these things, set goals, and create strategies (we usually call them “plans”) to achieve them. For me this is an anxiety provoking activity because it directs my thinking only to professional accomplishments (the career path) and to specific personal accomplishments that are linked to things (buying a house, buying a nice car, buying a boat) or to fulfilling cultural norms (getting married, taking sweet vacations, having kids, etc).

Though thinking about where we want our career and personal lives to go can certainly be useful, I wonder why we don’t spend time reflecting on who and how we want to be in addition to what we want to have.

Especially because when we think of what we want to have or accomplish, it points directly to how we want to be, what we need and value and, the big one, how we want to feel.

What we want is directly related to the feeling we believe we will experience when we get it.

Here’s a personal example:

When I was a student, I never wanted to cease being a student. I excelled in the academic environment and was rewarded with good grades. Naturally, I decided to extend my education, attend college and then graduate school. Being a professor, I thought, would be supremely awesome because I’d get paid to hang out forever in the academic world.

There was one problem though. I hated graduate school. It was a rude awakening for me about politics in academia. It wasn’t just about learning, researching, reading, and teaching. I slogged it out for two years enduring all kinds of physical ailments (a good indicator for me that I’m out of alignment with my values) and mental anguish. It was difficult, but I finally decided to leave.

This happened four years ago and it’s taken all four of those years (and the 23 before them) for me to understand that graduate school and academia was a strategy.

It wasn’t that I wanted the PhD or the career of a professor, per say. It was that I assumed that those things would give me: a sense of purpose, fulfillment, and contribution, meaning in my life, a constant well of creativity and stimulation in ways that mattered to me, and a whole host of other things that would meet needs that I have. And when those needs were met I’d be happy.

It was difficult and devastating to make the decision to leave graduate school and walk into the great Unknown because I was so attached to that strategy as “the one” that would lead to happiness.

What’s so expansive to realize now is that there are infinite strategies that can stimulate the feelings we want to be feeling and to contribute to the needs we are trying to meet. The key is to be in touch with what we want to be feeling and then to examine many elements of our lives and ask ourselves: Are these activities bringing me more into alignment with the feelings I want to feel, or less? And then, make changes accordingly.

How do you want to feel?